Advice Of William Ramsden

Advice:

• Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the end of the world.
• Small animals really are out to get you. Especially white gerbils with glowing red eyes.
• Never consume any liquid which emits an energy field bigger than your head. (See OUSFG Punch)
• In electrics, to determine which is the live terminal, ask someone not wearing rubber soled shoes and not touching you to press it.
• Tiptoe through the chessboard.
• Some races of aliens will try to trick you by pretending to be angels. Other races of aliens will try to trick you by pretending to be giant spiders. Trust neither, but accept lifts from the angels.
• War and violence are neither honourable nor glamourous. Violence is always a dirty game, so if you have to fight, you might as well fight dirty.
• Keep your friends close and your enemies six feet under.
• If you want to find out whether the monster which was attacking you is now dead, do not prod it, or peer closely at it. Shoot it again. And again. And again. When pieces of it litter the floor, you will have your answer.
• Who you are matters more than what you are. It is, however, difficult to decide who you are if what you are is dead. Strike a balance.
• Decide on the end of a sentence before starting the beginning. (I never do this, even in German, and it only leads to confusion.)
• Most of us are not the hero of our own universe. Most of us are the sidekick. If the hero offers to lay down his or her life for you, accept. You may get a spin-off series.
• Make Faustian bargains, but make sure your Mephistopheles fails to read the small print.
• Ignorance is bliss. George W. Bush (GWB) must be really, really happy.
• Genuine emotions are a precious commodity. This does not mean they must always be shared. Happiness and smiling are rarely actually related. Occasionally deliberately reacting out-of-character prevents people getting complacent.
• We all present different faces to different people. This is natural and unavoidable. Do try, however, to ensure that the faces presented to two or more people who may actually meet do not contradict one another.
• You can never hold too many of the cards.
• Don't touch the green goo. That's what extras are for.
• Honesty is the best policy. Well-thought-through and internally consistent deception is a good second best.
• Weapons are dangerous in the wrong hands, and the governments of the world are definitely the wrong hands.
• Danger is the spice of life. Like spicy food, get the person who made it to taste it first.
• Most humans are actually quite bright, once you get to know them. Humanity, on the other hand, has problems tying its own shoelaces.
• Doing what is right is more important than being seen to do what is right.
• Humans were here before cars. Or bicycles --TL We have right of way.
• We will know when we have developed a real AI. It will respond to a request couched in everyday idiomatic English with: "Do it yourself!"
• Dismissing a whole argument for the sake of one incorrect premise is the hallmark of the logician. Real life problems are solved by trial and error... mostly error.
• Never fiddle with the hands of strange clocks.
• On an alien planet, never prod anything you can't name.
• Never let anything you can't name prod you.
• If you're about to die, then at least you don't have to do the washing up.
• When a parent landscapes a fake burial mound in the garden to mourn a lost plant, it is time to consider getting a place of your own.
• Sugar cubes are not a square meal.
• City Administrations who build their city's main arterial road below the level of the river in the flood plain of a river notorious throughout Western Europe for its flooding are just... idiots. Er, yes... which city's that then? --TL That would be Avignon. --WJR
• Human Memory is a very strange thing.
• Anyone who ponders what the world would be like if it were ruled by cats is making one basic error. What do they mean, if?
• There may come a day when the entire population of this planet is occupied in call centres giving unhelpful advice to itself. In anticipation of this day, thank your lucky stars for mortality.
• Sooner or later, someone is going to tell a pulp Sword And Sorcery story from the point of view of one of the Orcs. We've had "Wide Sargasso Sea" telling the story of "Jane Eyre" from the point of view of the first Mrs Rochester, unfortunately, so when are we getting "The Hobbit" retold from the perspective of The Bodyguard of Bolg? Mock it now or it may happen... :~( Gah. That's postmodernism for you. --TL Well, don't knock it too hard- according to DWM Doctor Who's partially responsible for it, after all... ;~) --WJR The Orc-POV novel already exists: Mary Gentle's "Grunts". I'm especially fond of the bit where they find the little-girl survivor a la Newt from "Aliens" and, being Orcs, they eat her --TCW
• Ratings are over-rated. (Especially American ones. TL)
• When squeezing the release button of an apparently jammed canister of deodorant, aim nozzle away from open mouth. Trust me on this. Eeeurgh. --TL
• If you stare too long into Zool, Zool also stares into you.
• When replacing a brain, always make sure the arrow 'a' is pointing to the front.
• The kitsch of your childhood is always waiting on the next website.
• Never allow a time machine to eat you. It'll get indigestion.
• Be polite to anything that shoots energy beams from its eyes.
• Gloat after you've dispatched your mortal enemy.
• Universes where humans eat digestive biscuits are good universes. Universes where the reverse occurs are not. Unless you happen to be a digestive biscuit.
• Ascii Art works sometimes, and sometimes not. Pure evil is one explanation, a simple typo is another. Examine all possibilities of the second option before attempting to burn your computer at the stake.
• When having something shoot at your mortal enemy, ensure that said mortal enemy is not on a direct line between the weapon and yourself... or at least that, if so, he is immobile. Bearing this in mind, using this technique when in battle with someone whose name is a byword for agility and speed is about as sane as attacking a nuclear capable country with a chocolate hob-nob.
• Why, attack the lamp post, of course.
• Reality is not a comic strip. Reality is too badly drawn for that.
• Reality is not a TV Show. No one's that unconvincing an actor.
• Basing your plans around "I'll probably have developed Super Powers by then so won't have to worry about it" can potentially lead to problems. On the other hand, you may be proved right.
• No matter how much you may believe it to be the sensible course to take when the sentient and malignant entity you call a fringe flops into your eyes for the fifteenth time in one morning, giving yourself a haircut with a pair of craft scissors and one small grubby mirror is never the best idea you have had. (See William Ramsden, before it grows symmetrical again.)

Compiled by William Ramsden, with help from Life, The Universe, and Everything.