This is a little list of cocktails: a mix of things i've come up with or learned by word of mouth, plus some classics i really like and think should be more widely known. I've got a bunch of highly devious cocktails in various files that i should dig out and add.

I should probably pull all the classics out into a separate section - sort of a syllabus-cum-manifesto outlining what i feel should be the basis of every barman and drunk's cocktail repertoire.


Look, if you can put a pickled fucking onion in a martini and call it a Gibson, i can do this, alright? What? The name? Oh, that's props to our favourite Cockney geezer, Professor Daniel Cutler of University College Lahndan.

Elise Collins

This comes from a friend of a friend (actually an ex-friend of an ex-girlfriend, but i digress), hence the name, who comes from the Deep South, hence the construction of the Collins 'à la ricain'. Traditionalists may make it with lemon juice, sugar and soda if they prefer, y'all.

Veronica Collins

Yes, it's yet another Collins. I came up with this one after rooting around in Tristam Fenton-May's booze crates during an evening of watching Veronica Mars, hence the composition and name.

French 75

One of the classics - a cross between a Tom Collins and a Champagne Cocktail, which sounds crazy but works. No idea what gin has to do with French artillery, but there you go.

Virgin Shock Absorber (1.0)

Here it is! The masterwork. This is the Goldeneye Collective's joint cocktail, devised for marketing purposes.

The Collective cannot authorise any deviation from this formula, but equally, i personally cannot endorse blue curaçao; therefore, i can merely state that should you choose to substitute a proper triple sec (ie Cointreau) for the blue juice, i will not push for your annihilation. Also, if you want to up the vodka to 2 measures, i'm sure we'd be fine with that.

Virgin Shock Absorber (2.0)

This is the version produced after field testing. The exact amount of curaçao you'll need depends to some extent on the sweetness of the schnapps and the tartness of the lime; you should certainly use a fairly hefty dash.

If you really can't face using blue curaçao, read on ...

Shock Absorber

This is a simplified version of the Virgin Shock Absorber, intended to be made by shaking, like a normal cocktail. If it's not sweet enough, add 0.5 - 1 measure of cointreau.

Virgin Shock

This is just the first three ingredients of a Virgin Shock Absorber. It's likely to be barely drinkable.

Virgin Dual Shock

A twist on the Virgin Shock theory - the cherry brandy is just another way of getting the sweetness in, plus it's a cant on the name of the drink. You can leave out the ice and serve it short if you like (stirred, i'd say). It desperately needs sharpness, but adding lime juice would ruin the appearence. Not sure what to do about this.

No, there's nothing very dual about it - although i suppose it's the dual of the authentic shock. I'm really just dicking about at this point.

White Lady

I didn't even remotely invent this, but it's a damn fine cocktail, damn fine, and it deserves wider currency, so here it is.

Cat's Eye

Stumbled across this on CocktailDB; worth a crack. The recipe there is like this would be if a measure was 15 ml; this is a bigger version!

Shirley Temple Black

Another boy did it and ran away.

It's A Sin aka I Can't Believe It's Not Guinness aka Like A Whisky Trapped A Sherbert Fountain In A Basement And Raped It Repeatedly For Several Years

Made this to clear out a bottle of cinnamon vodka so i could use it as a makeshift shaker. MacGyver style.

Captain Jack aka James Brown we are still working on the name

UH!!!!! ARRR!!!!!

(Query to self: what the hell is 'soda'? Did i use coke? Lemonade? What?)

Wilde Elephant

Not sure about the quantities - two litres of ginger beer, most of a bottle of absinthe (a pint or so), enough lime to make it taste right (two or three?).

It was when Andrew introduced be to this that i realised he was a true friend.

Dark and Stormy

A classic, hardly needs mentioning, but some people out there don't know about it. It's not what i'd call a serious cocktail, but it's a highly pleasant way to spend an afternoon, and, moreover, background to the next entry.

Storm Shadow

A rum sour with a twist. Add the grated ginger to the shaker (making sure you get the juice too), and strain the bits out when you pour; it might be a good idea to muddle it. I haven't actually tried this yet, so hazy on the quantity of ginger needed. Also, muscovado sugar might be too strong; some slightly lighter brown sugar might be better.

Named after the cruise missile, and as an homage to the Dark and Stormy.

Post Workout Meal

This is a joke.


This is apparently Amy Winehouse's favourite cocktail. To be precise, it's her nighttime drink, vodka and red wine being her daytime drinks.

The Subverter

A super-rapid cocktail invented to counteract the effects of spending a day wrestling Subversion (to be fair, actually Subclipse - top tip, never try to copy directories).

Mulled Vodka

Mix everything except the sugar and leave to steep for a few days. Add the sugar.

My record-keeping was vague on this. I made it with one orange peel, and it's not really orangey enough, so i suggest two. There may have been fewer than 12 cloves, but it could stand to be more clovey. To be honest, it could do with more cinnamon, too, and you might as well not bother with the nutmeg.

Three Peaks


Actually, don't combine, because it's not terribly nice. The Dew and St Germain work surprisingly well together, but the whole thing is far too sweet. Perhaps if it had the juice of some sour mountain citrus fruit as well?

The point of the name is that all three things are from mountains - Mountain Dew, obviously, is made by collecting dew from a mountain in California (i assume it is a mountain made of radioactive sugar; this is the kind of thing that makes me wish i'd carried on with geography to at least GCSE), the elderflowers in the liqeueur are collected from the foothills of the alps, and kirsch is from Austria, which is mostly mountains as far as i can tell. Mountains, schnitzels, and definitely not nazis any more.