The #linc quotes page, for the quotes of a cosy, small channel
The #keble quotes page, for a little more refinement
<Rincewind> I'll just get back to my caml
<Zaphod> You've got to put a bit of effort into it, or at least use both hands
<Raptor> It's my prerogative to do it
<Raptor> I've never got it up so high
<Chris> Everyone knows that Raptor says 'yes' to them all
<Mike> I will come and watch the meteors
<Raptor> In that order?
<Raptor> I've done it in School Hall
<Raptor> I can't blow for much longer
<Raptor> Mike lost it years ago...
<Penfold> How many E's would you like?
<Raptor> If I pull it really hard, can I hit the ceiling?
<Jaffa> He wants to have one
<Penfold> It's prodding time!
<Raptor> I have a fairly strange... thingy
<floaty> I am *so* not hungry.
<Raptor> Kiss me!
In my defence, I *was* identifying the song of that name. Honest.
<jaffa> Will it vibrate?
<rejs> Hold it for a few minutes
(A few minutes later)
<jaffa> Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!
<Penfold> I've already done Zap
<Raptor> I am not Cameron Diaz, in so many respects.
<Matt> I need to delete the Internet.
And he claims he genuinely meant it, too
<neve> What's sex got to do with having babies?
<Jewel> Shall we make Raptor come?
I don't know if it's more or less reassuring that she was talking about 'to an orgy'.
I'm scared. Very scared.
<Raptor> Well, yes. They're balls. They're meant to behave. There's not much else they can do.
You don't wanna know.
IRC:
* baldy restarts brain
IRL:
<Rapture> tell him to type linux at the lilo prompt.
<wol> No, don't! Then he'll be stable!
<pilly> When I open the curtains all I could see was scaffolding.
<hoggy> Were there any workmen?
<pilly> No, that's the problem.
<k> (to Chris); Touch the tip and see what happens
<Mike> (to jaffa): swallow
<mike> (about tithonus): I opened my eyes & the first thing I saw was blue
<jaffa> (to raptor): i know you don't want it, but if you ever do you only have to ask.
<Raptor> I could do with a few extra inches
<Ganesh> I couldn't afford a big one. All I had was one that goes around in circles
<modo> You look tired. It's going to be interesting keeping you awake
<Narenek> I want one too, but I wouldn't get it out in the pub
<Jewel> I'll strip for you again if you want...
<Zaphod> I'll delete those pictures, then.
<Chris> I'm more subtle than Zap
The *really* scary thing is, he's right
<Zaphod> "Why can't I attack you?"
<mara> "Because I've got no clothes on!"
<mara> OI! Get off my underwear!
<Raptor> If there's anything really offensive then I'll take it off.
THE WEBSITE! THE WEBSITE!
<mara> my teeth still hurt
<Zaphod> I'll kiss them better
<mara> I was clothed then!
<Zaphod> why is Raptor undressing me?
Talking to mara about Raptor, who is currently holding Zap's arms behind his back:
<Zaphod> can you call your boyfriend off please
Just to make it *very* clear, else I suspect limbs will be ripped off; no, I'm not.
<Zaphod> I didn't mean to grope you, it was just a means to an end.
To huggie
<Kake> You held out your arms so I came
<jaffa> 18? Are you a child prodigy?
<baldy> No, I'm Scottish.
To Raptor
<Penfold> You can't get it out, it doesn't exist!
<pilly> Mine's hot, with cream
<Zaphod> Well, she *chose* to come in my car
<womackjr> I'm not allowed out after dark because I start emitting nitrogen.
To neve
<Twofish> I really don't think you could stick a tub of margarine down your cleavage
To Raptor
<Reb> I've never seen someone be so excited at the prospect of cucumber
<Twomack> Is it just a question of beating as fast as you can with both hands and then synchronising it so they go twice as fast?
<Mike> You can't do it on the table
<Penfold> It doesn't do anything, it just wiggles in a tempting way - but I've never managed to pull it off.
<Zaphod> Perhaps I should just chain the rabbit to the bed.
<susie> Carl was very impressed with my box.
<tfm> She said I was doing it too hard and not fast enough.
<Zaphod> It's completely useless when you want to do it on a casualty.
<wol> Mine's wet an' 'orrible.
In a tone of abject terror:
<Lucy> What... are you doing... with the Tigger?
<Zaphod> I've worked out how to do it. I'm happy.
To Penfold
<mara> Do you do any talking?
<Raptor> No, he does everything through telepathy.
<mara> No, he doesn't. I've been trying.
<Zaphod> It wobbles slightly un-nervingly, but it hasn't fallen off yet.
<Zaphod> Oh, actually, I *have* done it in the middle of a field.
<Reb> jdc, can I stop now? my neck hurts.
<Twofish> I just sat in my room for six days sucking these things.
<Matt> I find I go quite fast enough without teflon
<jdc> I'm easy to do
<Penfold> Can I do something very painful to you with something very hard?
<jdc> Honestly, Reb has a few drinks and then she's offering it all round the bar.
<Twofish> Oh well, I'll have some anyway.
<Reb> Twofish's room probably has less of my underwear in it than mine.
<Reb> There are only three steps to get to my underwear.
<Zeus> I've never done it with a monitor
<Reb> I'll get off the bed now before another rumour starts
<Reb> I don't think I'll say anything else, or I'll end up on the quotes page again
I couldn't resist!
<Reb> jdc, could you just wait while I swallow?
<jdc> I've got his hands distracted; why didn't you go for it?
<Raptor> Do you want me to move so you can get on with it?
<Ganesh> Did you burn yourself on that?
<Raptor> Yeah. Bloody hell, that's good.
<Raptor> Oh, come *on*. There's so much you can do with goolies.
<Raptor> ...and then I said I'll be done in a minute; ten minutes later I was still at it.
<Raptor> I think if we do it in the middle of the kitchen floor, we'll be safe.
<Unknown> Raptor can't even do it with his hand.
Anyone wanna own up?
<Raptor> I ought to warn you; I take a long time.
<Raptor> It *does* work if you suck.
<Ganesh> I'm too bored for Tristam.
To Julia
<nympho> So you have a decent organ, then?
<nympho> I'm trying to do it with nympho and nymphette
<Lucy> I'm gonna do it. I'm really gonna do it. I'm not going to leave Oxford until I've done it.
<Lucy> I've done New College, Keble and Corpus...
<AEndr> Yes, but jdc can manage perfectly dodgy actions all on his own.
<Raptor> I can't do it 24 hours a day, you know.
<jdc> Lettuce is not a vegetable! Lettuces and cabbages are FERNS!
<Raptor> Do you still want to do it?
<Lucy> Yes, very much
To baldy
<Raptor> Please stop blowing in my ear
<Lucy> What is it?
<Raptor> I don't know, but the bed's started moving.
<Kake> I'm measuring the important bits
<Kake> (wide-eyed) OOOH! At least half a sprout now!
<Lucy> Art or food? Art, I think.
<Art> Or just... stick... it... all... in... <ulp>
<mara> You're pairing me with Art now?
<tfm> No, wol.
<mara> Oh, y'mean wol. That's better. Er, kinda.
<Zaphod> Well, you are married to him...
<mara> Ah, that doesn't mean anything. Apart from a kid or two...
To Krys
<Raptor> DON'T set my loins on fire.
<Viper> That's as maybe, but I haven't let you squeeze it yet.
To Krys
<Raptor> I'll do whatever you want.
<Art> It's not as springy as it was
<Pilly> If you can get it up, please do.
<Raptor> I've seen clip-on sticks before.
<Art> Yeah, but his goes round and round, rather than just up and down.
<Art> I didn't know the width of it then. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.